Working Backwards

Sometimes I will think of the end of a blog, something substantial and something that will really leave a mark in the reader's mind and I will base my blog around that idea. I think that the most important ideas you have you should try to explain to yourself so you can fully understand what you think. Sometimes people (or maybe just me) will get ideas and dreams that they really hope to accomplish and go after it but they won't know entirely what they are going after. Like when people think that having jobs like a rock star or a famous actor would be easy I just want to help them realize that every single life was hard (and still might be) at one point or another whether it be due to stress, family or other stupid worldly things. It is hard to explain to people that what they think is really easy is really hard and that they are very deserving of what they have accomplished. For example, the English language. Holy crap people. The English language is one of the most complex languages on this earth. And we as the general public that use it everyday don't really notice how lucky we are to have working minds. I mean, everything about everything is a miracle. I do not care if you are an Atheist, a Jew, a Christian, or any other religion because somehow everything had to get here. And if you think that your mind was created because of an explosion that somehow, with all the luck in the universe made your perfectly working human mind, then I really think that you are confused. Please bare with me, I am not trying to raise some dispute between myself and the general public, but if you think reeeeeeaaal hard, then maybe the Big Bang Theory doesn't make sense. Something had to be there to explode. Something had to be there before the explosion to cause it and I don't think an explosion could cause a perfectly working solar system and galaxy to appear out of dust in the great beyond. I just cannot imagine that happening.

I want to present to you an idea. And that idea is that every human is equal, and that we all deserve the same amount of respect. Crazy, right? I mean who would have thought: equality? In history we have been studying the constitution and the basic structure of equality and your "natural rights."  And your natural rights basically say that you can have opinions, express those opinions, and try to change other people opinions. But you as a human cannot take away another persons' opinions or thoughts. We all have rights to dream and ideas and whether we want to pursue them or not. We also have rights that state that every single human in the Unites States can have their own route.

Sorry if this blog is crappy, I am kind of just ranting about what I think about a lot. So. Yep.

Here is a song. It sort of explains my "teenage rage." Ha. Yeah. Something like that. Please excuse the language as it does say the D word and the F word once.

Oh yes, this video reminds me, I also have this long lost dream of becoming a pro skater. The person in the video above is name Rodney Mullen. He is the reason I started skating. I wanted to be like him so badly. Holy smokes.

School is stressing the crap wads outta me. It is scaring me a lot because it's already past midterms and my grades aren't the best.  Growing up is a hard thing to do and I have been working backwards. I do what I should have done at the beginning in the end, and I do what I need to at  the end in the beginning. I get upset really fast now and I feel bad because if I am with the wrong people then I will just switch into rage mode and hate everything. I am being transformed into this monster. I want to be little again when nothing really mattered. I am starting to understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up.

Growing Old Is Rotting.

This may be a terrible post because I am forcing it or, maybe I feel obligated to do it. But I have this idea in the back of my head that has been rotting for years. And the idea that it is rotting has been rotting. I think everything on this small earth reaches a certain point at which it is at its best, but then begins rotting. I think everything is rotting. Growing old is rotting.

My grandma Simmons passed away this afternoon not long before six pm. My uncle Kelly came out and looked straight at my cousins and me and said "your grandmother is gone." The silence long stretched for several minutes until my mom came rushing out of my grandma's room crying. Short after the news got out several relatives and friends came flooding to my grandmother's house to support our family.

I have recently learned a  Shakespeare scene from the play "Measure for Measure" in which my character Claudio is in a jail cell talking to his sister Isabella whom he is begging to save his life. The scene goes on and ends up on the subject of death. My biggest line that I have in the entire scene is a big long description of death. And I think that Shakespeare had an ability to write somethings that no other human could have. He describes the feelings and fears of death so well that it almost scares me just to say my line. I tried to copy my line so you could read it here, but friggin the blog thing was being dang gay. So here is the link. It should be the first one. It starts "Ay, but to die, and go we not know where." Click hurr 4 a little spew about lyfe

So driver's education is probably the most retarded thing I have heard of in my entire life. A whole month of class at 5:45? Who the freak need to know that much garbage? And who even applies it to their driving? AND they are charging one hundred dollars for it? Freakin' kiss my butt! Soooooo gay. I don't want to devote my life to some class that I won't learn anything from. Everything sucks soooo badly. I can't even take it. I'm going to explode. All I want to do is lay out in the night on a warm blanket with a pretty girl that will listen to my rants. I want to look at the stars with someone who appreciates them as much as I. But I don't suppose that will ever happen.

I can't handle life anymore. I know I probably sound like some mentally retarded teenager just ranting (and feel free to judge, because I don't care anymore) but I really do mean everything I say. My mind, to me, feels like it is in the same condition as a smoker's lungs.

I am seeing this band in November. They saved my life once. Yay. 

Get Up

Today was a little bit spacey. I didn't go see the councilor today and I didn't really talk to anyone today. Not about anything significant anyway.
Today my mother called me about her mother and about how she is not doing well. She told me to not "take any chances" and to come home before I lose any chance at all. When I got home today at 5:11 pm I walked in to see almost my entire family, extended and all, gathered together.

Today I had musical rehearsal and drumline. I skipped early morning today because I didn't feel like getting up and I suspected that the consequences could not be too great. For once I was right! Anyway, I got to school and when I walked into seminary and a tall man with short curly hair dressed in a suit and tie (he looked like Napoleon Dynamite) greeted me with a warm "good morning." He then began to make small talk with me, asking me about how my day was so far, and what I expected of it.  And then for the rest of class all I could think about is how one person doing such a small thing could change your entire day. It really got me thinking about how judgmental we as humans may or may not be and how understanding one another might cure the world or just one of its poisons.

I don't think I can explain to you just how much I want to wiggle out of the ever bounding grasp of our earth. I want to go places. Not on earth, I could care less. I just want to go up. And up. And up.

I sit a lot. I sit and do nothing and think about aaalll the bad things. Today I sat with my grandmother as she lied in her deathbed begging for peace. As I looked at my grandmother, struggling to breathe and fighting to surrender her final words unto this dying world, I realized that something beyond what we can comprehend as human beings will someday come to us. And we will fly. When I tried to talk to her, she would start saying my name, as if I was gone and I would have to reassure her that I was there. My mother was on the other side of the bed crying and I was trying my best not to. The last words I heard her say tonight were "I want to die."

We might not make it home tonight.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH A LEECH

I have this leech. It is stuck on me, sucking out all of my energy and feelings. It won't let go. Not for the life of me. One time, I cut off my skin that was around it and it leaped from the dead skin and onto my exposed muscle. It is forever inside me. Some serious pain. I don't want to be friends with that leech. Not now, not ever.
This certain leech likes to jump from boy to boy, sucking their very life away and proceeding to leave their dead body alone with nothing but the atmosphere. This stupid stupid leech has cause me sooooo much pain. I hurt a lot, guys. I mean a lot. I want to take hold of this leech and tear it in half. Then stick it in a blender. Then pour the mushed up junk into Mordor.

Aaaaaaanyway, today was pretty good. I went to BK and hung out with the drumline. I love drumline. I love everyone on the drumline. If anyone that is on my drumline is reading this, then hear me valiantly when I say: I love you.

SOOO Homecoming. This Saturday. I'm goin' with this pretty girl named Sydney Frei. She is really nice. And Pretty. And she is my date. I'll stop bragging now.

What a change of moods right? I mean, a couple minutes ago I was so distraught, trying to find some foundation for my shaky tower and then Sydney came over and all the mind stop and my stupid lazy construction workers finally started to pour the foundation of my tower. I think.... yeah.

Okay, so I hear voices. A lot. They yell my name and then disappear. My brain cannot grasp the idea that something that I cannot see or feel can effect me to more of an effect than a pretty girl. (Did I just use the word 'effect' twice in one sentence?)

UGH THE STUPID LEECH BIT ME AGAIN IT KEEPS MAKING ME SAD AND I CAN'T DEAL BECAUSE I'M JUST A STUPID LITTLE BOY.

Sorry guys. I'll try to stay on the positive side of things. I'll ignore it. ojs:lDKFA;fj

OOOOOkay. Wooh. Wah. I am sooo confused right now. My brain just collapsed. Good bye.

What I Want, Who I am. Fly Casually.

There is a lot that goes on in my mind. It's like this twisted contorted view of reality. It kind of scares me because sometimes I will hear people yelling my name and I'll turn around saying "what" to find two or three people staring blankly at me. It becomes really irritating when you hear it while you're in set at marching band and you respond to something nobody said and you get ten push-ups for it. Marching will be the death of me. I mean, I love my drums, but the people there that aren't on the drumline are just so scratchy. They don't really know how to talk or function properly in a social and open setting. I feel badly. They're cool I guess.

I spent last night with Erin and Caroline and Dallin. They're so great. If only Syd were there. And like Spencer or something. It's Homecoming week at my high school and all the activities are all pretty cool. I want to go participate in them and feel like I am a part of something. BUT I AIN'T. I'M A FREE SOUL. Okay not really but I would really appreciate it if I had audacity to do such a thing.

I have had this sudden obsession with the music from "Newsies." You know those things I explained in the last blog? SHEESH. They some onto me so sudden, like a black eye. BAM! And your eye is done for. Or like high school. BAM! I am done for.

I really want to go into space. I want to see the burning balls of gas that lie next to each other in perfect peace by the millions. Lighting our atmosphere and keeping our souls lifted. The term "Outer Space" has so much more meaning to me than almost anyone else I think. When I think of outer space I think of myself out in a spaceship following in Buzz's footsteps (literally.) I want to put on  that suit and sit in that rocket and have the force of going thousands of miles an hour against me. I want to go to space and take pictures and be a scientist. I want to go to space and feel the weightlessness on me. I want to know what it's like to feel the cares of earth go away and be utterly alone in the final frontier. I want to find "aliens" and greet them with a smile and tell them all about how my dreams have finally come true and how I couldn't be happier. I want to battle space pirates in my own ship with my wife and kids by my side and when they finally retreat we will celebrate and be happy all together and have and the American flag waving above our ship. I want to build sand castles on mars and I want to drop hammers and feathers on the moon. I want to conduct experiments with my co-workers and create legendary discoveries.  I want to be a part of history and I want people to know my name. How radical would that be? I can't imagine anything better.

I have a song to show you. This song is from the musical "Newsies" and the song is named "Santa Fe." If you have really read this whole thing, then I really do love you for it. I want to finish off with this song and whenever you hear him say "Santa Fe" I want you to replace it with "Outer Space." Then you will be able to see, in the clearest way that I can present, how I feel about this dream I have. I love you guys. Thank you so much for reading. Fly casually.

Sir Edwin Eugene "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. and the Moon

I thought that I might start writing again. About my brain and things. About how I want to become some great person. Because in all of our minds we have this image of how it's supposed to be and the only way to get there is to "work hard."

I put the words "hard work" into quotations for a reason because everyone has their own definition and no one really has the same one. Was that a redundant sentence?

Guys, I really want to go into space. Like more than anything in the world. Well, maybe not, but it's dang close. I want to put my footprint in the moon. More like Mars but the moon works too. I just want to be someone.
To be more specific, I want to be this guy :

He is my hero. That would be Sir Edwin Eugene "Buzz" Alrdin Jr. I love that guy. He's so cool. I like him more that Neil Armstrong I think. If Neil is Mario, then Buzz is like his Luigi. Right? It makes sense to me.

Guys, one day I went and laid in a field and looked in the sky. I fell asleep and I had no idea what I dreamed about. All I know is that when I woke up, I rolled over and saw my very good friend, Miranda Grigg, After I got her attention, I proceeded to whine to her about how I don't think I could ever be an astronaut. I didn't believe in myself, or, anyone else for that matter. I guess you could call this my "hour of darkness." It's more just like me being the typical teenager. I'm a loser.

While I was talking to Miranda, to my surprise, my other good friend Tyler Romney showed up. I cannot remember whether or not I told him to come, but he did.

I sometimes will get really interested in something and I will learn all I can about it in like three hours and then I think "this is stupid" and I go to sleep and remember none of it. But this didn't happen with astronomy. I feel like my love for this subject came on as a crescendo. But one that had the big hit at the beginning of it you know? Like this: OH.....o.o.o..ooooOOHOHOHOH
That is my best attempt at portraying that musical format? I don't even know what to call it.

Anyway, that is my babble for the next little while.
Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.
Stay fly.