No Matter What.

Man, I get sad too much. I can't even help it. I know of one cure, but that isn't coming around for a long time. Maybe it never will. I don't really have motivation to do anything, so I sit down and I complain to who ever the crap is reading my crappy blog posts and for what? I have like two readers daily. (Whom I thank very much.) And the one person. The one person I want to read these stupid and endless paragraphs won't even give me the time of day. They won't say hi to me, unless of course, I confront them first. But I suppose that that may just well be the only really high quality way to get anywhere. I sit and wait a lot. Don't expect me to change just because I say this, because certainly do not practice what I preach. Not to say that I am not a man of my word, because I am. I am just a hypocrite. And maybe, just maybe, that is where my real sadness is from. Maybe because I am untruthful to myself I get discouraged because if I can't keep a promise to myself, then how in the world am I suppose to keep a promise to anyone else?

I have a terribly heavy inclination to swear and do awful things of late. I do not know why. Idle hands cause suffering I suppose. Not to say that I have done these things of whatever you can imagine, but I have had terrible struggles resisting anything that seems even half appealing. I don't even care about the future anymore. I get by, and that's it. I get c's and b's, and I'm okay. But what I am not okay with is being like everyone else. I need to work on that, but somewhere in me there is some kind of compass and spirit telling me to do something productive and to support myself. I just don't feel like it. It's embarrassing because a lot of times I will look very stupid and under educated to a person of higher knowledge. They don't even give me a chance. Depending on the way I am dressed that day, they will either completely shun me, or accept me as some clean perfect kind of person that I'm not. Teenage rebellion isn't what I am getting at. Man, rebellion is such a stupid thing. But it's all I do. I am stupid, stupid, stupid. Somebody read this and realize that what I am saying is true. I honestly believe everything I say about myself. I know exactly what I am supposed to do, and I know exactly what I shouldn't do, but I just don't feel like doing either. I suppose you could say that I am gray, but I don't believe in that color. There is definitely a good and a bad. But distinguishing the two is not an easy task. I am not an experienced body in this. I'm not good at a lot of things and the things I think I am good at turn out to be things that I am just okay at.

Sometimes I will go through all the people I admire and look at their pictures on facebook. Look, I'm not talking about Kobe Bryant or Justin Pierre. I'm talking about people that I interact with every day at the building where I get educated. I look at their pictures and all I can notice is how pretty and happy they all are. Boys and girls. They are all so outrageously happy. Every single one of them. Why can't I be apart of that? I try so hard. Everyday. I know that being happy or being sad is a choice or whatever, but I honestly try everyday  to be as happy as them. To sustain a normal smile, even when I am on my lonesome. No matter what I do, whether I play drums, hang out with friends, play guitar, sleep, or anything really, I just can't sustain it. My happiness comes in little bursts and when I'm alone or even stalled at all, it goes away. At any moment in time my whatever emotion will just go away. I don't know what true happiness lies in. I've been searching for a long time. I'm sick of hiding and I'm sick of living with this dirt in my mouth. I'm sick of being dried up all the time. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Like a stagnant moth being drawn to the flame, I will never be free. But I will tell you one thing, I have found something to love. But love is a dangerous thing. Love comes and goes. No matter what. I believe in eternal marriage, but I don't believe in life after love. Let's pretend you get married and your wife/husband dies. I couldn't live. Oh man. Game over. No way could I live with that. Even if I was like in my late twenties or something, I would never remarry.

Sorry for being depressing and boring today. But it's how I'm getting. I don't know why but it's happening. So I'll deal I guess. I gotta deck of jokers and I can't wait to use them.

What happens in the dark will be brought to the light.

She Understands

It's 5:45 pm and it's almost perfect dark outside. Utah darkens very quickly this time of the year(s) and I think there my be specific reasons for it. I mean, besides moving farther from the sun. More of a kind of pathos type of deal. Not logos. Am I being heard? Probably not, my voice is little.

I went and saw my second favorite band last night. They were crazy. Like hot dang. They tore me to pieces. Streetlight Manifesto is a crazy band. Very good live. They left a piercing ring in my ears. Whenever there isn't any constant noise louder than the ringing, it sits there and screams all day long. I can still hear it and I was at the concert nearly twenty-four hours ago.

I don't know about myself. I wouldn't consider myself a happy person, but I'm depressed. I don't think so, at least. Maybe I'm apathetic. But self proclaiming that you are apathetic is always false because how can you be apathetic when you are claiming to have an emotion? When I am bored I come up with bottomless questions that have no answers. Is there a name for those? I don't know. Like this: Where did the rocks come from? My dad asked me that question. I guess you could say that God made it, but he didn't just clap three times and had some stuff appear. He had to get it from somewhere. Anyway, I am going to stop talking about this before I offend someone or maybe even myself.

You know, I try pretty hard. I get treated like a lazy, useless, teenage fool that doesn't contribute (or try to contribute) at all. And suppose that I was a lazy, useless, teenage fool who doesn't contribute (or try to contribute) at all. Could every single being reserve the right to treat me so? I don't think that I am lazy or useless and I try pretty hard to contribute. I don't know about the rest of my fellow teenagers, but I feel pretty under appreciated. Gosh, I am such a baby. I'm trying to derive some emotion from something other than the main base. Man, these zurg rushes are harsh.

I wonder what kind of voice I have. My English teacher enjoyed it in the paper I wrote for her class. Cool. I'm sick of being a part of something no one likes.

It's even darker now. It's 11:16. You know I never split up a writing session like this. It feels weird. A different mood maybe. I went and hung out with Miranda Grigg tonight. We went and saw my school's musical for the year "Hello Dolly." This is the second time I have seen the play now, and it just gets better.

Miranda and I have some pretty good talks. Sometimes I start yelling because I feel really strongly about things, not to be confused with anger, and she starts laughing and I feel silly. But she understands. Not many people of this planet do.

Well, love has driven another nail through my heart on this lovely night. Another quart of blood spilled, you know, NBD.

Gosh gilly gag. My life is like a fart. One of those really dry ones that don't really mean anything. :I

I'm stuck. I get stuck a lot, don't I? Ha.

Tonight I was telling my parents that earlier I had a lactose reaction to rollos, and my mom said "there isn't any lactose stuff in rollos." So I continued to shut my mouth and all in all cancel my story telling. I miss Miranda. And a few other people. Let's have a reunion. With you by my side, (you know who you are..) I could sit foreeeever. I'm slowly opening and releasing these weird hints as to where my real sadness comes from and it's scaring me. The world will know.

My mom just said "oh my gosh, it's eleven thirty. We gotta go to bed. It's eleven thirty." Haha. Why is that funny? I don't know. What happened to this potentially well written post? I dunno. ha ha ha.

If I correct your grammar, don't take it personally.
xoxo

Let's Break It Down.

A lot of things freak me out. Like being a "class" or being everyone's equal. I mean, for goodness sake, I don't care if I'm worse than everyone else. Just make me different. Because I guess I don't know how. I'm trying to take the high road but according to everyone around me that makes me full of myself and cocky. I just want the world to be able to understand my brain. Selfish? Yes. I can feel the sanity draining out of my skull and making a deep puddle underneath me. My shoes are wet and heavy but if I take them off I'll burn. Here's a poem:

The newest thing is already old.

They honestly expect us to do what we're told?

That like telling someone not to be cold

when all they wanted was something to hold.

This poem is cliche

like everything I ever dreamed.

A bunch of repeat signs.

I try hard not to hit replay.

But alas, time is time.

And your dream has been dreamed.

Like rain on the ground,

it just gets cycled around.

I'm embarrassed. I've never shared any of my personal writings. I might delete this. Maybe not. Here's another I guess. I don't know what to say.

Just the other day I was pulled outta class.

My teacher says "Are you in the right place? Do you think you can pass?"

And I said "Yes, ma'am, I feel that I am."

After long lecture from her claiming how smart I'm not,

we went back the class like nothing happened.

I am just another bubble in the boiling pot.

Waiting to pop.

The sun is a light to show you the way.

In fact, I used it

Just the other day.

Um, so I feel awkward now. I've never done that before. Neither of those are very good, I don't think. But like I said, not everything can be a masterpiece. 

I've discovered through trial and error that through trial and error you will find almost any answer ever. It took me a long while to realize that everything my father had said is true. The only way to get good is to be crappy and face your fears. This world is a series of walls. No doors, no holes. You chose what wall the climb, and you climb it. Once you get over that one, there is probably be another. High school is a wall. Relationships are walls. Insanity and depression are big, big walls. Big, smooth, waxy walls. 

I want to say something to a certain person. She probably won't read this or even look at the facebook post about it, but I don't really care. Cause this certain person can't do anything to make me angry. Ever. I don't think the she can comprehend what goes through my mind when she is brought into context. My brain becomes and melting pot of insanity and fire. It's like someone sends spurs deep into the back of my thighs until I fall and I can't get up. I've been lying here for a while now, and I think it's time to get up.

Well guys, I'm pretty scared to post this. I guess it's time to face the truth. Man, this sucks.