No Matter What.

Man, I get sad too much. I can't even help it. I know of one cure, but that isn't coming around for a long time. Maybe it never will. I don't really have motivation to do anything, so I sit down and I complain to who ever the crap is reading my crappy blog posts and for what? I have like two readers daily. (Whom I thank very much.) And the one person. The one person I want to read these stupid and endless paragraphs won't even give me the time of day. They won't say hi to me, unless of course, I confront them first. But I suppose that that may just well be the only really high quality way to get anywhere. I sit and wait a lot. Don't expect me to change just because I say this, because certainly do not practice what I preach. Not to say that I am not a man of my word, because I am. I am just a hypocrite. And maybe, just maybe, that is where my real sadness is from. Maybe because I am untruthful to myself I get discouraged because if I can't keep a promise to myself, then how in the world am I suppose to keep a promise to anyone else?

I have a terribly heavy inclination to swear and do awful things of late. I do not know why. Idle hands cause suffering I suppose. Not to say that I have done these things of whatever you can imagine, but I have had terrible struggles resisting anything that seems even half appealing. I don't even care about the future anymore. I get by, and that's it. I get c's and b's, and I'm okay. But what I am not okay with is being like everyone else. I need to work on that, but somewhere in me there is some kind of compass and spirit telling me to do something productive and to support myself. I just don't feel like it. It's embarrassing because a lot of times I will look very stupid and under educated to a person of higher knowledge. They don't even give me a chance. Depending on the way I am dressed that day, they will either completely shun me, or accept me as some clean perfect kind of person that I'm not. Teenage rebellion isn't what I am getting at. Man, rebellion is such a stupid thing. But it's all I do. I am stupid, stupid, stupid. Somebody read this and realize that what I am saying is true. I honestly believe everything I say about myself. I know exactly what I am supposed to do, and I know exactly what I shouldn't do, but I just don't feel like doing either. I suppose you could say that I am gray, but I don't believe in that color. There is definitely a good and a bad. But distinguishing the two is not an easy task. I am not an experienced body in this. I'm not good at a lot of things and the things I think I am good at turn out to be things that I am just okay at.

Sometimes I will go through all the people I admire and look at their pictures on facebook. Look, I'm not talking about Kobe Bryant or Justin Pierre. I'm talking about people that I interact with every day at the building where I get educated. I look at their pictures and all I can notice is how pretty and happy they all are. Boys and girls. They are all so outrageously happy. Every single one of them. Why can't I be apart of that? I try so hard. Everyday. I know that being happy or being sad is a choice or whatever, but I honestly try everyday  to be as happy as them. To sustain a normal smile, even when I am on my lonesome. No matter what I do, whether I play drums, hang out with friends, play guitar, sleep, or anything really, I just can't sustain it. My happiness comes in little bursts and when I'm alone or even stalled at all, it goes away. At any moment in time my whatever emotion will just go away. I don't know what true happiness lies in. I've been searching for a long time. I'm sick of hiding and I'm sick of living with this dirt in my mouth. I'm sick of being dried up all the time. But what am I going to do about it? Nothing. Like a stagnant moth being drawn to the flame, I will never be free. But I will tell you one thing, I have found something to love. But love is a dangerous thing. Love comes and goes. No matter what. I believe in eternal marriage, but I don't believe in life after love. Let's pretend you get married and your wife/husband dies. I couldn't live. Oh man. Game over. No way could I live with that. Even if I was like in my late twenties or something, I would never remarry.

Sorry for being depressing and boring today. But it's how I'm getting. I don't know why but it's happening. So I'll deal I guess. I gotta deck of jokers and I can't wait to use them.

What happens in the dark will be brought to the light.